wah!

i think i'm overthinking.
wait.
did i just think that i was overthinking?
w-wait..
was i just overthinking that i was overthinking about overthinking?

ah...
gaaaaaah.

@.@

brainsplatter.

Warning: M.P.A. - Mushy Post Ahead

****************************

I was browsing and reading some old computer files in my handy dandy laptop (that's going bonkers, and is this close[] to getting a spanking from me), when I stumbled upon this write-up I've made in the past - the earlier part of my college days in UST (with *papa apa in mind), entitled…

5 Seconds of Bliss

 From some distance, I saw his face; framed by random persons passing by, and persons waiting time to pass them by. And for some reason, I instantly thought he was gazing at me, but I guess I was again being fooled by my so assuming mind. I soon realized that he was staring blankly, not at me, but through me – as if I was not where I was. Perhaps I was invisible in his sight – perhaps everyone was, or perhaps I was to everyone.

 During those odd moments I was sucked into the vortex of his seizing pools of black. I've swum through the abyss of his mind, dived through his deepest struggles, danced to the rhythm of his soul, I've seen the yearning in his heart, and saw the man he was as he is.

 Perhaps for everybody else he was perfect. Perhaps he is an envy to everyone who meets him, thinking that he has everything they lack – skills and talent, the extraordinary intellect, the looks, the disposition, the proper breeding, the right manners, the perfect smile and last but not the least, the chivalrous ways he has always practiced with expertise. Putting it to simple terms, he was something and somebody to applaud to and behold for society.

 It was in those bare instances where I have now realized that he was more than just that… More than just an icon, I've seen him as an ordinary fellow, just like you and me, who has his own desires, his own struggles, his own failures and his own simple dreams…

 But despite having these 'flaws' as some may call it, though I'd rather call it 'things which keep us sane everyday' – he was opened up to me in a whole new perspective.

 And what struck me more was the realization that I've gathered all these thoughts for but this fleeting moment…

Bringing myself back to the real world, I've started to walk towards the door, which read EXIT. And passing by the array of people lounging around, walking by, chitchatting over meal, his face kept on popping-up my almost overly chaotic mind.

And with my exaggeratedly preoccupied state, I even had the strangest feeling of wishing to share with him his struggles, his failures, his yearnings, his simple dreams.

Queer how those infinitesimal pieces of time have moved me so much this way.

This overwhelming connection kept me dazed and confused for still some gratuitous time… 'Till it dawned upon me…

Perhaps this may be love.
Perhaps it may be not.
Whatever it may be,
I'd always count these small pieces of time as my precious 5 seconds of bliss…

And as I stepped out of the door, I felt the wind brush against my cheek. I took in the breeze which kept my lungs full, and I kept him in my heart, longing still for yet another time we'd connect.

Yearning more for that opportune time the heavens has destined.

P.S. There is some truth in my fiction, and some fiction in my truth… ;p

_________________________

* papa apa – my solid crush in the college of architecture [UST], promil kid of our block, my walking heartache for almost 5 years… shucks. Kumusta na kaya siya? Hope he's not as boring as he used to be. Hehe. But I liked his boringness. XD ehek.

Note: I think papa apa knew I had a crush on him, but only during the latter part of our college days – meaning 5th year days na... (thanks to one of my guy friends who made chismis and made kwento. Argh. Ha-huntingin kita.)

And even before, I knew and sensed that he liked somebody else in our block, a friend actually, a close friend… Ouch. XD (pero oks lang, my friend doesn't like him naman. Hehe. Or does she?.... hmmmm.)

Anyhow, that's all in the past(?)… Carry on. Carry on. Crayon. Cry on.

Whatev.

akalain mo yun? pwede ko pa palang ituloy yung thesis... Whadahek.
kaya sige, go. ngarag portion na naman. wahnesss....

anyways, tinext ko kasi yung kaklase-slash-friend-slash-ex blockmate ko na si thea. at sinabi niya, madami daw kami na kulang-kulang...... pa ang gawa. hehe. ;P at yung iba nga raw schemes-schemes pa lang ang pinapakita.. tsaka sabi din niya, miss na raw ako ni mam. super. hahahaha!

hai!

*ghost fighter crowd yells* tapusin! tapusin! tapusin!

kailangan kong tapusin 'to, kahit na hindi ko na pinaplanong magpakahardcore archi-practice. sabi ko nga sa magulang ko, tatapusin ko lang 'to, para may closure at maka-move on. haha!

amp.

XD

P.S. na-cancel yung recital namin. hehe.  XD

*hinga ng maluwag.*

pero parang gusto ko na mag-recital. haha! kahit nerbyosa ako to the nth level... ;P

hindi ako umabot sa endorsement. weird, but i find it very freeing...

i found out that appreciating, documenting and doing critiques of bldgs and structures is what really suits me (when thinking in lines to the field of architecture), and not the actual practice per se. [writer itich? pwede. pero mas trip ko talaga mag-entrep at kumita on my own - para mapa-aral ko ang sarili ko ng artsy stuff like music at photography. at makatulong sa iba. ;)]

status:
drop-out? nope. i hope not.
shiftee? pwede.

ruma-racket ako ngayon. hehe.
may perang parating.

aaaawwwwwwoooooommmmm. awwwooooom. aaaaaawwwwoooooooommmm.

XD

nagpost kasi ako ng questionnaire sa kakaput-up ko lang na blog... -> http://chantzthesis.blogdrive.com... bisitahin niyo ha, at sagutan yung nakapost dun. ha? ha?... salamatz! ;D

anyways, madami akong gustong ikwento tungkol sa thesis, at yung trip namin nung monday sa cavite, tagaytay at batangas <nagretreat house hopping kami. ang saya!>, kaya lang panic mode ako ngayon. hahaha! <next tym na ako magkwento at magpost ng pics>

i-post ko na lang yung naisulat ko last thursday, na pinamagatang...

-ilusyon. ilusyon. ilusyon?-

i had another piano lesson (after a long break, my last class dated june 25...), it was fairly fine. i didn't exactly breeze my way through the exercises and pieces, as a matter of fact, i wasn't really satisfied with my performance. i know i can do better. i just didn't have the time to practice seriously... and just hadn't really been practicing long enough on a real piano (i only get to practice on a real piano when i go to my lola's place which is about 2-3 times a week [but since it's a thesis month, the frequency has reached an all time low of nada.... i just practice everything on the yamaha keyboard i borrowed from my cuz.])...

anyways, the class was very brief. (i guess it was partly [perhaps, hugely] my fault - i was late. and my teacher had another class to handle that comes next after mine...) but at the conclusion of our piano lesson, he asked me something. something that haunts me until now. something that haunts me until now, which caused me to write this entry. (most of the time i vent out anything and everything inside me through writing...)

Piano Teacher: did you ever consider studying music? you could enrol as a piano major in UST. (he knows that i study there, thus, he knew that there won't be a need to take an entrance exam, just an audition for the college..... and UP? well... UP is another d i s t a n t story which deserves an entry of its own. hehe. xD)
Me: *smiles in disbelief* ewan ko po. hindi ko lang po alam.
Piano Teacher: pero really, haven't you considered studying music as your second degree?
Me: *still smiles in disbelief* ahm. kasi po, masyado akong kabado e. hehe.
Piano Teacher: No that's fine. It doesn't mean naman na Piano Major ka, you'd be vying to become a concert pianist.
Me: *natatauhan ng konti at nag-sink in ang question, bantulot sumagot* hindi ko pa po alam e. ewan ko po.

ayos ang sagot. napaka-conclusive lang.
haha!

wah! the question still haunts me.

anyways, i wasn't able to say, "yes! i want to take up music as a piano major! grabe, ang galing ko kasi e..."  haha! xD kasi, hindi naman ako magaling.. sakto lang. pero baka he sees something in me, that i do not see in myself (kadalasan naman yata ng mga teacher ganun e)... something that when honed would be really nice, and really be beneficial in the future. (uy! nag-fee-feeling si ate...)

ayan tuloy, hindi ako mapakali.

wah! it seems impossible kasi e, grabe, i'm 23 na, and have just started playing the piano last year.. if ever i would take up music as a piano major, when would i graduate?.. at isa pa, super-slow ako sa sight-reading.. wahness.
at isang isa pa, i want to do pa a lot of things - like design and build houses, churches, retreat centers, institutional facilities;[siguro help na lang i building such structures] start entreprenuerial pursuits in clothing and bags (our own line - with my sis), food (restos), real estate (construct condos/apartments and have it to be rented by others); publish a book or a collection of books; put up a one-woman show for an art and/or photo exhibit.... grabe! andami-dami pa...

sasagutin ko ba ang tawag ng musika?

baka. (ayaw ko kasi magsalita ng tapos.. ayokong mag-yes, tapos hindi naman pala. ayaw ko din naman mag-no, kasi malaki naman din ang posibilidad na kuhanin ko siya in the future...)

gusto ko kasing tumugtog ng malupit, yung tipong rachma rocks mah socks, tsaka bach to basics, chopin's mah man, at mozart's at the charts... hehe. angkorniko. xD
at gusto ko din, maging proficient and efficient ako, when i teach others how to play the piano to proclaim the excellencies of God (yeah, it's a church thing. ;D)...

hai!

ilusyon. ilusyon. ilusyon?

p.s. bakit kasi ang dami-dami kong gustong gawin?

hai!

*nahihimasmasan ng onti*
opo Lord, hindi na po ako magrereklamo. hehe. PEACE po tayo!

<as one famous movie line has said>
"with great powers, comes great responsibilities"..

<which i adopted and tweaked to>
"with multi-talentedness and brilliancy, comes great expectancy to create, develop and produce something of artistical value and virtuosity" hehe. anlabo. at ang layo. xD

basta, ganun na yun.

wahness!
panic chantz. panic.
panic. panic. panic.

let the remaining days of working on the thesis sink in. oo, alam natin na magaling ka sa cramming-an. pero, pwede ba. stop cramming na. start doing things right. stop procrastinating. stop waiting for perfection. and aiming for perfection always (to the point of 'non-doing' in fear of imperfection and anything less than perfect...)

start working. as in really WORK on the thesis. yung tipong WORK na 'effort kung effort' talaga. wag na papeteks-peteks kasi alam mong kaya mong last minute gawin. kasi kahit na magawa mo man siya, at matapos. masakit yun sa puso (sobra), at saka hindi ka lang ma-satisfy, kasi alam na alam mong hindi yun yung the best mo...

hai!

Lord, pakibatukan nga ako ng isa dyan oh. hehe. xD

love You po!
pa-hug.
*hugz*

*******

This is hibernation for real.
Pray for me.

bago ko makalimutan yung panaginip ko kagabi, isusulat ko na agad...
kasi ngayon na lang halos ako nagkaron ng panaginip na naaalala ko... hehe.

i dreamt that i was walking in a mall, (parang edsa central nga yun e, pero medyo iba ng konti... kasi may mga tables and chairs dun sa baba), tapos habang naglalakad ako (aakyat kasi ako sa 2nd flr, kasi sa panaginip ko may sleeping area daw kasi dun... at may bibisitahin ako, si kryzz - kaklase ko nung college) nakakita ako ng mga taong nagsusulat sa musicpad/music notebook (dun sa naturang tables and chairs), busyng-busy sila sa kakasulat at talagang seryoso (parang assignment yata nila yun), tapos, sa hindi maipaliwanag na pangyayari, naramdaman ko inside na .... "wow! gusto ko yung ginagawa nila, i'd like to sit down and join them dun sa ginagawa nilang ka-churvahan"... pero mayron pa akong ibang kailangang gawin e, so tuloy na lang ako sa paglakad, at kinimkim na lang ang 'kagustuhan' ko. hehe.

nung pag-akyat ko sa 2nd flr, ayun. may mga kama na, siguro eleven yung beds dun sa 'kwarto', at nandun yung isa kong tita (si tita let, na naging asawa si tito ansel - na kumakanta sa choir ng simbahan namin) na ang bunsong anak (si angel) ay isang brilliant kid - matalinong bata (bago siya mag 2 years old ang dami na niyang alam na words at nagagamit niya sa tamang gamit [english at tagalog]), ang lakas ng tenga (marinig lang niya, kuha and/or recognized na niya yung word or tune na sinasabi or kinakanta), at may future sa music (she sang her own 'lala' song - her 'first composition', na walang nagtuturo sa kanya, at sa tuwing nakikita niya ako everytime i visit my lola's house, at magpraktis ng piano, she would come near me at magpapabuhat while saying 'piano-piano-piano' in her medyo bulol state, when she's on my lap na, ituturo niya ang piano book na nasa harap namin, she'll point out the notes and say, "basa, basa. read."...) haha! brilliant kid talaga. anyways, tulog si angel nung dumating ako sa second floor nung mall-slash-bahay-slash-ewan, tapos nakita ko na si kryzz at nagbihis siya ng pambahay. after nung scene na yun, hindi ko na matandaan kung ano pa ang nangyari...

tapos, biglang bago na ulit yung scene.
natutulog naman ako sa isang kwarto (pero yung itsura nung kwarto e yung kwarto nina kuya), roommate ko si david, blockmate ko nung college (kung bakit siya ang roommie ko of all people, ewan. haha!)... gumagawa yata siya ng plate/thesis. basta ang naaalala ko lang sa panaginip ko e nagising ako sa pagkakatulog ko, kasi narinig ko yung boses ni sir the Big N, andun din pala siya sa kwarto. i looked at the clock, 2 am yata. gumising na ako, at gumawa ng thesis, upon the constant prodding of Sir the Big N. (tapos nasabi ko sa sarili ko, siguro yun yung pinadala ni Lord para 'batukan' ako para gumawa ng thesis. - ni-request ko kasi kay Lord na batukan Niya ako kapag papeteks-peteks ako sa thesis making...)

tapos, nagising na ako for real..

haha! wirdo lang.

********

ang conclusion ko sa panaginip na 'to:

mahal ko ang musika, at may desire akong aralin siya in a slightly deeper level, kaso, marami pa akong pinagkakaabalahan at kailangang tapusin. Pero nandyan lagi si Lord para gabayan at 'batukan' ako para magawa ko 'yung mga bagay na dapat kong gawin, para naman magawa ko din yung mga bagay na gusto kong gawin (at gusto din Niyang gawin ko). haha!

pero naisip ko lang, baka napanaginipan ko yung mga nag-notation, kasi kagabi naghahanap ako ng notation program/software. hehe. XD

andun siguro si angel, kasi gusto ko talaga i-develop yung pinsan kong yun. ang laki kasi ng potential nung batang yun e.. ^_^

si kryzz naman nasali sa panaginip ko, kasi may utang pa yata siya sa akin. pero yung bayad niya sa akin, sabi ko i-donate na lang niya sa isang charity/org, pero wala pa rin akong balita kung naibigay na niya.

si david, nandun dahil, ewan.. haha! siguro kasi naging prof niya si Sir the Big N nung summer (3rd take niya yun ng thesis - ang alam ko), at ipinasa niya yun.

si Sir the Big N nandun para gisingin ako. hahaha! baka maging jury ko siya... wahness! pero ayos lang, at least kilala ko, kesa naman sa totally hindi ko kilala 'yung mag-jury sa akin... (mas mahirap kasing timplahin kapag hindi mo kilala yung magdeliberate sa iyo e.)

********

this would be my last (or 2nd to the last) post for this month.

marami na akong ginagawa at gagawin pa.

wah!

ngayong july nga lang nalibot ko na halos ang buong cavite para maghanap ng bagong site, kasi sabi ni mam cruz bawal na ang religious sites/structures sa tagaytay ngayon (e andun yung site ko, kaya pinahanap niya ako ng bago)... i've been to silang, indang, amadeo (to look or scout for new lots/sites at para kumuha ng socio-economic profile), at siyepmz nadaanan ko yung kawit, bacoor, trece martires..., bumisita din kami sandali dun sa tanza para sunduin yung sasama sa amin papunta dun sa indang municipal hall... haha. nagmu-municipal hall hopping ako e. hehe. whatev.

magpraktis pa ako ng piano ngayon. may klase ako bukas...
at magpapa-consult naman ako sa thesis, siguro pagkatapos na lang ng piano lesson ko.

anyways, kailangan ko ng matinding inspirasyon. ngayon na!
as in now nana now na now na!

I sooooooo love ma'am cruz! ;)

kahit pamadalas niya kaming ibabad sa ilalim ng araw nung first year college kami. (outdoor kasi ang v.t.- visual technique... subject na kung saan yung mga estudyante ay may hawak na sketchpad at sandamakmak na gamit habang pine-paint o dinodrowing ang mga fountains, puno, kotse, at whatnots na nasa loob ng ust compound.... hahaha! [nakakamiss bigla ang first year. XD])

anyways, nabanggit ko lang si mam cruz, kasi siya ngayon ang thesis adviser ko.  ang saya! haha. (fresh na fresh lang. and i'm not being sarcastic.) i really like her, kasi dama ko yung genuine concern niya... and i think she's pretty COOL. kasi ang lagi niyang ka-hang-out e mga pari at madre.... how COOLER can you get 'di ba?... hehe.pagtanda ko, magiging ganun din ako (sana!.... ^_^)..

at eto pa, nagpalit kasi ako ng project. dati training and skill development center for little people ang thesis ko (under kay sir 'the Big N'), at napag-isip-isip ko hindi ko naman talaga gusto 'yon, naisip ko lang yun  kasi gusto ng ex-thesis adviser ko ng kakaibang project... so 'yun, nung kinuha ko ulit yung design10 ko under kay sir manalad (2nd time, kasi pangthird time ko ng kinukuha ang d10...) nasabi niya sa akin na it's not feasible daw, and not really practical, and all sorts of things, so sabi ko, magpapalit na lang ako... edi palit naman ako. ang kaso, hindi ako umabot. kasi, hindi ko natapos yung libro ko. kaya yun. dinrop ko na lang.

at ngayon, kinuha ko na siya ulit, medyo patapos na naman yung libro ko. so pwede na. sana next week makapgstart na ako magdesign at magplano. Retreat Center at Seminary nga pala ang bago kong project. ^_^  i love it!

hay...

kapag naging stable na ako financially, magpapagawa ako ng retreat house, at mga institutional structures na kukupkop sa underprivileged, naliligaw, at naghahanap ng kalinga, at naghahanap ng mas malalim na pagkakakakilanlan sa Diyos... nakaka-excite! ^_^ 

pero bago ang lahat ng yan..... FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS muna sa thesis!!!!!! (hindi HOCUS POCUS BOGUS...... FOCUS!)

*so medyo alalay lang muna ako sa ibang activities ko sa buhay... i'd lay aside muna ang road ko to virtuosity sa piano... at hinay-hinay lang din muna sa mga extra-curricular activities ko dito sa net. at kung anu-ano pang iniisip na mga bagay-bagay... so yun hibernate mode muna. hahahaha. be back in september the month to remember (bilang month na parehas nakalukob ang thesis defense at piano recital). haha! ayos.

nothing spectacular happened today.
nothing special.

woke up early.
battled my way through the thick crowd of people - as in to stampede proportions (but.... a very civil and decent manner of stampede) in the mrt.
had my piano lesson.
asked persons who might know something or who might have information that would be needed for my thesis.
scheduled an interview later (Jun 27 at 9-ish in the morning) with a priest (through the help of our parish vicar).
got a free ride from a co-church member named evelyn, we were both outside waiting for a ride (i was waiting for a trike, she was waiting for a cab), a cab came and she asked me if i wanted to take a hitch, i gladly obliged (hehe. i didn't even know her name, but she looked familiar. so i nodded and gave her a smile) the cab dropped me off at edsa central, then they took off to QC. we chitchatted on the road (which was kinda brief, because it was just a 5-10 minute drive to edsa central - from where we came from...)
bought 2 dvds.
 - an installer of graphic softwares,
 - and the first season of chuck....

ooooooooooooh....
i just love chuck bartowski! cheers to the nerds! :) 
and quite a fan of the brother&sister tandem of the bartowskis. ;)

it's been a while since i've written here. a lot of things came up...

[my lolo passed away.]
- i had to support and help my mom and my lola during the wake. and I also did an AVP for my lolo which was played on the last night of the wake..... awwwww.. i still miss my lolo. i'm saddened of the fact that he didn't even see me graduate. :(
*sigh*
yet still, i'm happy because i know that he is now in a place where there is no pain, sickness and suffering. i know he is finally at rest, at peace, and in perfect condition. :)
<i've still yet to post the AVP on my multiply account together with a blog entry for my lolo>

[i began playing the keyboard on sundays at our parish.]
- todo nerbyos at first. but the nerbyos factor sizzles down a bit in each song. hehe. so pagdating ng recessional, wala ng nerbyos. haha. todo tugtugan na!. ;P

[i took care of getting back to school stuff and am still tending back-to-school thingies...]
- i'd be enrolling for my thesis class [design10] again. weird, but I actually missed going back to UST. hehe. i love our parks, 'plazas' and fountains. ;P

i guess that's it for now.
i'm on the journey to time management oc-oc-ness. (of which i guess i would never be able to arrive at.... after all, i'm not a manager. i'm an artist. and time is an abstract matter for me. ;P)
 
oh well.

p.s. but i really need to learn how to manage my time and resources...
to start cutting some slack, to stop cramming. and to be able to learn to say no to stuffs that would not be beneficial or helpful to my mission and purpose in life.

oh well again.